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Rainbows! Unicorns! Self-affirmation!

November 11, 2009

How am I supposed to concentrate on papers and projects and that one exam when I’m going to be moving out, living from a backpack, and finally have an adventure that doesn’t involve a bunch of people telling me where to go or correcting my behavior without me asking them to? November 23rd is the final day I will have a room in Varsity Apartments, and then it’s sleeping on busses and in tents, picking up my travelouge again, and walking everywhere. I’m so excited to finally have to rely on myself for more physical means of survival (okay, it’s not the most intense survival scenario ever, but it’s more than I’ve had to do before).

I think this whole self-reliance kick has been a very positive step in my development. It’s been so much more important here than anywhere else, because of having to build a support system from strangers and a 14 hour time difference. And I’m actually proud of how content I’ve made myself. I recently looked at a picture of someone I haven’t seen since high school, someone who was very important to me at one stage, and he looked so different, I didn’t recognize him. If his name hadn’t been next to the picture, I wouldn’t have noticed it was him at all. I don’t get very reflective in terms of high school often, because except for a few close friends and slightly amusing stories, I’ve been thrilled to put that stage away, but seeing that picture really sent me off thinking about the good old days of teen angst. And I’m such an entirely different person now then I was in so many good ways, I can’t help but smile. I was getting some air two days ago walking through the bike paths of Sippy Downs, and I actually got a skip in my step thinking about how I’m different.

Being here has really helped solidify my change, and for that among other things, I am extraordinarily pleased I came here. I really don’t remember ever actually being proud of myself before. Not just please with a grade or glad I got through a chior concert or happy to have passed, even though i could have dome better, but proud. A lot of it had to do with this Body Acceptance kick I’ve been on since coming here. Well, I guess it started in New Mexico, but I’ve really embraced it since being here. Its amazing how much just being comfortable in yourself physically can drastically alter how you perceive the rest of your life. There’s a girl here who really seems to enjoy calling people fat to their face, and not in the Fat Rant sort of way, but in the “Lose some weight, you fat load” sort of way. And I really don’t like this girl, because of this (among other things, but mostly this). She has made comments about my eating and my weight passive aggressively. She’s told my roommate that she needs to lose weight, even though my roommate is several sizes smaller than I am. I’ve gotten into an argument with her about Fat Rights in regard to health care. And it feels good to not like her on purely ideologically grounds. I don’t care on a personal level when she makes comments about my weight that would have sent me into a self-loathing spiral before. I get angry in the same way I get mad when people say ignorant things about gay people or make very racist comments. I’ve accepted my physical state enough to be able to argue using ideas and not defensive aggression.

Yeah, this is a big pat myself on the back post, but I’m really pleased with the way things are going. I’m not saying I’ve reach a state of enlightenment and now nothing in my life will ever be bad or that I’m never going to experience self doubt again. There’s still huge areas of myself that I need to get in order, and I do have days when I’m less confident. But I’m going to take a moment and celebrate the fact that I don’t dread running into people I detested from high school, because there’s nothing they can do to make me feel like I did back then.

This post is so rainbows and sunshine, it’s making me a little nausous, but I’m okay with it =]

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